|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
Origins |
||||||||||||||||
 |
More Shocking than Awingby Dalya Goldberger Miss Hoopty and Delilah decide to rent a movie. "So, what kind of movie do you have in mind?" asked Delilah. "MY FAVOURITE KIND, OF COURSE. SOMETHING THAT’S ACTION-PACKED, COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE WITH A PLOT THAT GETS BY ON LEAPS OF FAITH," answered Miss Hoopty. "Oh, you mean like Charlie’s Angels," suggested Delilah as they approached the video store. Miss Hoopty stopped dead in her tracks. Staring straight ahead, she pointed. The local Blockbuster Video store had changed its name to Shock and Awe Video. "I GIVE UP. THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET. FROM THIS POINT ON, I’M ONLY GOING TO SPEAK IN THE LAME EUPHEMISMS THE WORLD SEEMS TO CRAVE AND UNDERSTAND." Delilah had never seen Miss Hoopty look so annoyed. They entered the store where piles of video cassettes littered the floor, waiting to be stocked. "LOOKS LIKE GROUND ZERO IN HERE," said Miss Hoopty with a smirk. Overhearing the comment, one of the sales associates jumped up to help them. Delilah sensed Miss Hoopty’s nostrils flaring. "Sorry for the mess. It’s like debris-istan in here. We’re, like, doing inventory today and everything’s all over the place." "EXCELLENT ANALOGY, BECCA," commented Miss Hoopty, eyeing the sales girl’s name tag. "THIS MESSY VIDEO STORE IS EXACTLY LIKE A WAR-TORN COUNTRY. I BET YOU’RE REALLY SUFFERING." "No, problem," said Delilah, ushering the snarling Miss Hoopty away from Becca, who looked puzzled but undaunted. "Oh, have you guys seen Sweet November with Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron yet?" persisted the teenager, waving a video in the air and oblivious to Miss Hoopty’s growing ire. "It was on Oprah’s Top 10 List the other day." Miss Hoopty was about to speak when Delilah pushed her into the Comedy section. "We’re just going to look around a bit; thanks anyway," she called over her shoulder. "I know, I know," sympathized Delilah once they were alone. "I’m with you. Let’s just pick a movie." But Miss Hoopty was not to be soothed. "JUST WHAT WE NEED, THE OPRAHIZATION OF THE WORLD. DO YOU THINK I CHOOSE MY MOVIES, OR ANYTHING ELSE FOR THAT MATTER, BASED ON WHAT OPRAH TELLS ME TO DO? NO, I DO NOT. IN FACT—" Miss Hoopty continued her tirade, her arms flailing as she became more animated. When people started to stare, Becca came over to them again. "Is everything okay Ma’am?" asked Becca. "MA’AM?" shrieked Miss Hoopty. "Oh, no," sighed Delilah. "That’s not helping. Let’s go." She dragged the enraged and still yelling Miss Hoopty toward the door. "MAYBE YOU PEOPLE WOULD LISTEN TO ME IF I CAME IN HERE DRESSED AS HARRY POTTER!" As the door swung shut behind Miss Hoopty, Becca commented to her co-workers. "She’s got, like, issues or something."
Dalya Goldberger is Managing Editor for Writer’s Block. Listen for her from time to time on Paul Castle’s "That’s a Good Question" segment on CBC radio in Saint John, New Brunswick, and CBC’s "Daybreak" in Prince George, British Columbia. Sources:
|
|||||||||||||||||
|
FEATURE
|
||||||