Origins

I'll Hand It to You

by John Collins

The hand is a wonderful thing. Without it, we couldn't lend a hand, or give 'em a big hand. We wouldn't have hand-me-downs, we couldn't ask for someone's hand; heck, even hand-outs would be unheard of. So, here's to the hand, always right there when you need it (or left there, if you're one of our sinistral friends). The hand: our tool, our communicator, our comfort on a lonely night (hey, I'm talking about thumb-sucking, alright?).

This issue's Origins is dedicated to our filanged friend, whose praises have rung through song and story and whose actions have been immortalized everywhere from Gray's Anatomy to that Book of Books, the Bible. Yes, it's true, even past apostles posted an epistle or two to the human ring rack. Of course, I'm hardly an authority on matters Holy Ghostly, having washed my hands of the religion habit long ago; in fact, the handwriting was on the wall for me long before I set out to make money hand-over-fist, ever since that fateful Christmas pageant in '68...but enough about me, I think I've just dropped a few handy phrases that need some explaining.

To "wash one's hands of a matter" is taken to mean abdication of responsibility. This little fingerling dates back to the trial of Jesus, where the ever wily Pontius Pilate, seeing by the general mood of the crowd that it would not be politically expedient to be remembered as the Condemner of Christ, "...took water, and washed his hands before the multitude, saying, I am innocent of the blood of this just person: see ye to it." (Matthew 27:24). And there he was, guilt-free. It's amazing what a little water, denial, and rationalization can do for your self-image.

Anyone who's ever walked down a city street has seen the handwriting on the wall. Such immortal phrases as "Free the Schenectedy Six" and "Skeeter Luvs Pookie" have graced the walls for years. The phrase doesn't just refer to graffiti, however. If "the handwriting is on the wall", then your fate is foretold and sealed, and impending disaster is unavoidable. The Book of Daniel tells of one particularly nasty bit of graffiti on the wall of one King Belshazzar. It apparently was placed there by a mysteriously appearing hand, and foretold the destruction and loss of his kingdom. Yikes. I wonder what it actually said? "Belshazzar's a Wuss?" "Crown This, Belly-Baby?" I guess we'll never know.

It's the goal of many to "make money hand-over-fist", which means to succeed in business and rake in the dough. Well, if you thought there was something fishy about this phrase, you were right. It seems that fishermen of old hauled in their nets by climbing up the rigging of their ships with the net clutched in one fist. The faster they climbed, putting hand over fist to get up the rope, the faster they reaped their scaly harvest and, therefore, the more money they made. I wonder what my banker would think if I tried to cash in a bucket of trout?

So, until next time, I'll use my multi-purpose hand to wave farewell, and you can remember to say what you think, but think about what you're saying.