He Writes... He Scores!

by James R. Watson

I am not a sports fan. When surrounded by people shouting "Go Senators," I visualize a restructured Canadian political system. But because the opportunity to eat greasy food and drink beer outweighs my dislike of sports, I sometimes find myself at a sports party seeking malnourishment.

At this past November's Grey Cup party (Canadian football), the score quickly became quite one-sided for the team that nobody liked, and the conversation in the room quickly doused the vacuous ramblings of the announcer. André the bus boy began: "Messier was at the hotel last week. He's a really great guy, very approachable."

After seeing that potato chip commercial, I knew that Messier played hockey, and so I offered my own hockey-related anecdote.

"You know, the word puck comes from poke. A poke is a small bag. A pig in a poke refers to the unscrupulous vendors in the marketplace who would sell pigs in small bags. Who knew if the pig in the poke being purchased was the genuine article? Maybe you'd get home to find a cat, and let the cat out of the bag. You guys remember the Origins article from Spring 1996?"

A name="para05">All those about me stared in wonderment. Someone asked, "So, Messier is a nice guy?"

I pushed on, hoping that my scintillating origins of sports-related expressions would win them over. "Three goals is called a hat trick, right? In cricket, when a bowler took three wickets in succession, his team mates would buy him a new hat. A hat trick, get it?"

For sports fans, their knowledge of cricket was pretty limited. "Yeah, Messier is great," someone else added. I was handed a beer and a slice of pizza, presumably to occupy my mouth. Maybe boxing would be more to their liking, I thought.

"Ub da skwash..." I said, then remembered to swallow my pizza. "Up to scratch comes from boxing. Way back, there wasn't a ring. They'd scratch two lines in the dirt as borders. It would be a TKO," (a technical knockout, you know) "if a fighter was beaten so senseless that he couldn't stumble back to his scratched line on a signal. He wouldn't be up to scratch."

Another touchdown was scored by the team that nobody liked. Fortunately, the more likable team had scored a few points of their own to save face; they weren't going to lay an egg. I ventured in again: "Because of its shape, a zero is known as a goose egg. The expression lay an egg came from when a sports team scored zero in a game."

My host confirmed, "Messier's all right."

A name="para11">The beer and pizza had steeled me for one more attempt. "Before hockey, boxing, and Canadian football ruled the airwaves, the big thing was bear baiting. Basically, a dog and a bear would fight to the finish. When they ran out of bears, they used bulls instead. However, a bull is pretty valuable. If it looked like the dog was going to win, the bull's owner would jump in and beat the dog back with a stick. The stick in question might be a slat from a barrel, called a stave. He'd stave off the dog."

The silence in the room was broken by a yawn.

"Messier's pretty good this year," I added, hoping that I was right.

The conversation began again, much to the relief of all. I don't think I let on that I thought a Zamboni should be served with pesto sauce.

A name="para15">Type to you soon. Until then, remember that you are what you say.

James R. Watson, Origins Guy for Writer's Block, Ottawa

NEXT >>